Rainy days remind me of lying in bed all day with him, laughing, sleeping, and being okay. As I walked from my first class to my second, my shoes getting soaked, I thought of how much has changed. How much I’ve changed.
On Saturday night, Greg and I sat on his roof and talked and laughed. I think we could really be friends. We are planning to smoke out there sometime this week. And when I mentioned this to Caitlin she looked at me and laughed a little and said, “That’s like really romantic.” And she was right, but it wasn’t. My response was simply, “It would be, but it was the wrong person.” Because as I sat on the roof staring into the dark the whole time I was thinking about how I wished things could be different.
Timing and circumstances really do matter. Things could have been different, but I am here, and he is there. Because this is reality. And I love him, but what does that even mean?
I spent a majority of this week crying myself to sleep as quietly as possible so my roommate wouldn’t hear me. Last weekend Eric visited and stayed Friday through Sunday, and when he left I swear he took some of me with him. It is not hard to realize that I have fallen in love when his absence in my life is something I can feel. I haven’t felt that way, well, ever. So, after he left I cried myself to sleep each night. Andy and Caitlin decided to break up again on Tuesday, after they got back together about five days prior. It is a mess. Greg and I talked about our feelings on the matter, and I found information that I wish I didn’t, but it happens during the honest conversations that tend to follow smoking.
I also realized this week that I finally have a best girl friend here in Salisbury. I realized it when Caitlin and I had talking and movie nights throughout the week. And for that, I am thankful. The fact that I could tell her about my summer, and tell her about Eric, and tell her about crying myself to sleep over a sushi dinners… well that is all I could ask for.
God, if it weren’t for getting high and getting drunk, I am not sure I would be able to handle what I have been feeling. And sure, I know that drinking doesn’t help my depression, but neither does staying sober anymore. Thanks to watermelon flavored locos, wine and vodka, last night I drank enough to stop feeling almost everything—except for that small ache of missing someone, and the need to not be alone. Tonight I plan on doing the same, because lately the best feeling in the world is when my surroundings are blurry, and when things don’t hurt. It isn’t until the next morning that reality sets in.
But overall, I’m okay.
Sometimes I can’t believe that this is what has become of my life.
Or that I let it happen.
Last night after all of the mess, I went to dance and forcefully called Caitlin on my way out in order to invite myself over. Because she didn’t need to be alone. We went to get some sushi for dinner, and back to her apartment to smoke, drink, and play mario party with Kerri to cheer her up. It helped cheer me up too. After smoking I was able to sleep calmly through the night, instead of the insomnia I am so good at whenever I am alone in a bed. Is it sad that the only way I can get a good night’s sleep is when I have a body next to me?
I think everyone is better off not liking anyone.
It’s so easy to feel lonely. There is just that part of me that wants to let someone else in, someone new, because even if I don’t feel the same way for him as for Eric, I am not alone. It was comfortable with Greg, so maybe I will keep him around as a friend and as someone to hook up with from time to time. And hopefully I can find others. It’s so hard to be alone. It is so pathetic how much I need the touch of someone else.
This whole thing between Eric and I is a mess. It is hurting me. I hate distances. I hate that we met and had to leave each other so quickly. I hate that it was so perfect, that we had that instant connecting, that he is different than all other guys… but only because of the way I feel about him. God. This has got to be what everyone is always talking about and saying. That you’ll “just know”. I “just know” with him. But the timing isn’t right.
The timing is never right.
It’s funny. As I wrote that post last night I assumed things were finally if not back to normal, at least as close and as good as it was going to get. And then, it happened. Caitlin and Andy broke up, and I’m sitting on my computer chatting with Caitlin completely astonished. So, I try to think positive, cheer her up, give her good reasons why it’s going to be great and fun even without him—thats what friends do or something like that. And it isn’t the end of the world, because couples break up, feelings get hurt, the world continues to spin.
Then, I was probably too excited to Skype with Eric last night, because after this tragedy, and the long drinking nights of the weekend, I wanted to talk to him. Just to see his face. And he signs on, calls me, and his video pops up. This is when I realize that he is high. Yup. He didn’t even have the decency to tell me that he was high, instead he pretends that he isn’t and all the while he is staring at the computer screen looking dead and pretending to be listening. We had maybe talked for five minutes (mostly me talking, him pretending to talk back) and he inserts his little sentence.
Him: I’m really tired.
Me: (After staring at him sadly) You were smoking weren’t you?
Him: (with a smug smile) Yes.
Me: “I’ll guess I’ll let you go then since you’re tired.”
Him: “Yup, good because I’m really tired.” And he waves, and I hang up.
So now, I begin to cry. Because god forbid I get what I want. I am on Facebook and I get a little chat message from him saying that he is sorry. Now, I am serious that my heart is hurting because I just can’t believe this. After he says this he continues to say that we should Skype “tomorrow” and I say I’ll probably be busy. Then, because its obvious he doesnt know what to say it continues this way:
Him: I miss you.
Me: (after a good minute or two) Me too. Which is why I tried to talk to you tonight, but that was a fail.
Him: Yeah I know, my fault.
Him: (after plenty of time between us) Well I’m going to sleep, talk to you soon.
And when he signed off I just cried for a good half an hour about the feelings I have for this stupid kid. Because somehow I have allowed myself to feel this way, and now I am every other stereotypical girl crying over a stupid, useless guy. Today there hasn’t been any sign of him, no text message of a funny comment, nothing. And I know there won’t be, and it hurts.
Also, Caitlin and Andy are a complete mess. Caitlin just told me that she is crying and she and I will not be going to dinner tonight. My ex Chris texted me and told me that their break up is somehow “my fault.” And I just… this is a mess.
I drank every day this weekend, and now, I have reverted back to that sad, pathetic girl I have been trying my best to avoid. I said I’d take a break from being her, but somehow, I’ve allowed this to happen. I have officially come to the conclusion that I know this version of myself than I ever knew the old version, and it scares me.
All throughout last week Andy had been standoffish, and Caitlin, although she attempted, she had somehow become less of a friend as well. All due to my break off with Chris and his immaturity and avoidance. So Friday night, started off awful, I got my roommate’s friend to supply some Smirnoff vodka for me, and I was going to drink with a couple of sort-of friends. Around ten, my phone starts ringing, and it’s Andy’s name on the caller ID. I am so surprised, and figured he butt-dialed me, but out of curiosity I answer this call. Andy had intentionally called me and invited me to his house with his friend Greg. (Since Caitlin and Kerri were out of town, and there weren’t many parties going on they were just going to chill there.) I of course take him up on this offer.
So we end up sitting in his living room, playing Shots and Ladders and Kings. Somehow I end up taking about five or six shots in the course of twenty minutes, and I am officially way passed buzzed when we start getting all philosophical. The three of us end up speaking about just about everything from God to just problems in our own personal lives. Eventually Andy dissapears to go to sleep, and Greg and I end up on Andy’s couch making out and whatnot. It was whatever, I was drunk, and Greg dropped me off the next day at my dorm where I was pretty sure I had seen the last of him. But sure enough, Greg calls me on Saturday night and invites me out. After a long night we end up back at his house, and end up having sex. So, when he dropped me off on Sunday morning back at my dorm I was completely sure I had seen the last of him. It wasn’t until he invited me back to house Sunday night that I realized he was going to stick around.
Today, for Labor Day, I ended up at the beach with Caitlin and Andy, and back to Caitlin’s apartment to make enchiladas and drink some Blue Moon. I couldn’t have asked for more at that exact moment.
But the thing that scares me the most about this casual hooking up, is that I kept thinking of Eric. How when I woke up next to Greg this past three days I wished I would open my eyes and it would be Eric and his arms and his smell and his kiss. But it wasn’t. No matter how much I wished it was. And I wish that these feelings would stop because I feel him slipping away. I feel the one thing that I genuinely care about slipping from my grasp, and I can’t do anything about it because I am here and it would be useless.