So, this semester is different. Due to my break off with Chris during the summer my old group of friends has somehow turned to strangers. Chris, Andy and Dave have resorted to hardly acknowledging me at all, and even Caitlin who said she wouldnt change, has changed. It is her birthday today, and despite my efforts, and despite the large bottle of black cherry vodka waiting for us to celebrate, she has not called or texted me as she said she would. So there goes that. It’s funny that so much can change without you wanting it to, and because of the immaturity of another person.
So I have resorted to finding new friends. I need to find a new group that I can spend my time with because this is no longer worth it. I auditioned for dance company today, and should find out tonight through an email if I made it or not. I pray that I make it, I want to so badly it actually hurts. I am also attending an interest meeting for the newspaper on campus. Basically, I am trying to busy myself. I need to busy myself, meet new people, and try my best to enjoy my life this semester. I just want to smile for real.
I found the Orioles ticket stub from the night when I met him, and it read July 23. It’s only been a month a few days, and somehow it is enough to change my feelings. I’ve been a wreck, a horrible disgusting wreck—but with him, I’m okay. I still feel the struggle, the pain of what I don’t know know how to handle, the ache of wanting something more than this… anything that will ease the pain that never seems to completely go away, but I also feel as if someone else understands. I want to hold on to that feeling for as long as I can before it reverts back or diminishes completely. So I had to write it down. I don’t know if my feelings will change, but just the fact that I have the ability to cry over the loss of him in my life is enough to say that this one is different. I hope he sticks around like he claims he will, I don’t want this one to just fall off the map, to have another person I care about become a stranger. I don’t want that anymore. I want something real. And I can feel something real when I’m with him. I can’t believe this happened, but it did, and I let it, and I want to keep letting it if it’s possible. I hope it’s possible. I’ve moved into college, I’m settling into a different place and a different life again. I know there will be drinking, drugs, and sex with nameless men—but I want that person to hold on to. And for some reason, I have hope that he can be that person.
Shit I miss him. It already hurts.